While contemplating my life, I am often struck with regret for the things that I have said about many individuals, M.’s evil friend and M. in particular.
“If I had just kept my mouth shut, just for one second, on those two occasions, everything in my life would be okay. My homosexuality would still only be a rumor, people wouldn’t back away when I talk to them, and wouldn’t have to wake up to dread going to a place where all of my greatest enemies congregate.”
Really, however, while all of the above would be true, what benefit would be granted? My problems and my loves (the same thing) are essentially all I ever talk about with people. My problems stem from people wishing I were dead and the resulting psychological effects. If people didn’t hate me, there would be little to talk about. While I am already very isolated from my peers, I think that I would actually be even more isolated, since I wouldn't have anything to talk to people about.
On the issue of my crushes, I guess could have just stuck to telling people which boys I find to be “cute,” instead of detailing explicit sexual fantasies and describing the extent to which I worship their smiles. But, I would think this would get old very quickly, as I talk about this topic so often that it needs to be described with a great deal of variety in order for the other person to be mildly interested, if that.
Many elements of my life seems to take the dichotomous form shown above, with me aching for reality to become the other partition from the one I live in (but did NOT choose; how could I foreseen such badness in people?). And, again, as shown in the above example dichotomy, the other side of the partition is not really as nice as I imagine.
I am a rational person, and thus, when I made the original decision within a certain element of my life, I had good reason to do so. By the time the consequences come as a result of this action, I’ve forgotten about the benefits of taking the action and the negatives of not, due to the strong negative emotions forcing me to think that anything could be better than the current situation, which is why I think that I’ve made an obviously wrong decision, when, in fact, I have not.
The grass is always greener on the other side,
lovingtheendlesssorrowcauseifeelsofull
